http://www.5ives.com Merlin's Lists of Five Things Sat, 03 Dec 2016 07:43:11 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.2.20 http://www.5ives.com/archives/2016/12/02/five-musicians-to-whom-ive-drunkenly-introduced-myself/ Sat, 03 Dec 2016 07:43:11 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=554 1. John Doe (X)
2. Carl Newman (New Pornographers)
3. Sharky Laguana (Creeper Lagoon)
4. Lois Maffeo (Lois)
5. Brent Nelson (Built to Spill)

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-things-we-should-clear-up/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:41 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=536 Continue reading →]]> 1. A car should not have to “honk” when you lock it
2. Farts should be acknowledged, if not celebrated
3. Mr. Obama is not _actually_ reading your Twitter
4. Your hair looked better before
5. No one likes your Harley

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-extremely-minor-characters/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=546 Continue reading →]]> 1. the affectless engineer in the recording booth when Davy Jones sang on _The Brady Bunch_
2. the waiter who takes Fredo’s _banana daiquiri_ order in _The Godfather II_
3. the G.I. in the next stall in _Slaughterhouse-Five_
4. the pomaded guy playing drums on the street in _Taxi Driver_
5. Donald Trump

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-terrible-fake-x-men-franchises/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=544 1. Dazzler’s Irrational X-Uberance
2. 50 Shades of Jean Grey
3. Astonishing X-Actuaries
4. Professor Sartre and the All-New X-Istentialists
5. Uncanny X-Girlfriends

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-things-that-rarely-indicate-the-beginning-of-a-world-class-blog-comment/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=542 1. “Is it just me or…”
2. “I used to really like this site, but…”
3. “Am I missing something here or…”
4. “LMAO…”
5. “So:”

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-names-that-sound-like-they-have-too-many-syllables/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=540 1. Roger Federer
2. McLean Stevenson
3. Boutros Boutros-Ghali
4. Renée Zellweger
5. Thurl Ravenscroft

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-superpowers-i-promise-would-use-only-for-good/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=538 1. giant rubberband johnson
2. bottle opener eyes
3. Black BMW-disintegrating laser hands
4. Ultimate Walgreens Nullifier
5. flawless Stratego telepathy

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-cool-baby-names-based-on-u-s-presidents/ Fri, 03 Jul 2015 03:56:40 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=534 1. Hardington
2. Coolidge
3. Milhous
4. Li’l Smokin’ Wheelchair Dude
5. Hoover-Marie

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2011/05/30/five-obvious-raymond-carver-jokes/ Mon, 30 May 2011 17:50:45 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=521 Continue reading →]]> 1. Where I’m Calling For a Cab From
2. Will You Please Be Quiet, Please, My Head is *POUNDING*, Please?
3. Call If You Need Me to Bring Ice
4. Tell the Women We’re Going on a Beer Run
5. What We Talk About When We Talk About Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-reasons-5ives-was-down-for-two-years/ Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:22:47 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=481 1. Rubberbands holding WordPress together broke. Again.
2. Chronic katalogosophobia
3. Deliciously addictive *Sex in the City* Box Set
4. Painful condition involving corns or something
5. I’m a *complete* idiot

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-terrible-fake-panics-obsessing-parents-of-teens/ Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:21:47 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=479 1. Raging Boner Quoits
2. Fanta ‘n Meth Slammerz
3. Locker Room Orthodonture
4. Ear Jobs
5. Bukkake Arby’s

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-controversial-ontologies/ Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:18:47 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=476 Continue reading →]]> 1. We actually exist in a snow globe ruled by the autistic kid from _St. Elsewhere_
2. The Universe, like sexual intercourse, was created by The Beatles in the Autumn of 1962
3. The Creator’s machinations are always subject to even more all-powerful beings: _Mrs. Creator_. (And, her new lawyer, Sid)
4. We live in a galaxy on the thumbnail of a Santa Cruz student who’s really, _really_ fucking high right now
5. A wizard in the sky created an infinite universe then let his son get murdered by politically-powerful bigots so he could fly back to the sky to help people who agree to believe in the wizard in return for not being forced to be sad and hot for the rest of forever

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-cutting-edge-greeting-cards/ Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:18:47 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=474 1. Mazel Tov on That Reversed Vasectomy!
1. Third Divorce is a Charm, Mom!
1. Your New Boobs Look Large and Super-Hard!
1. Condolences on Your Poorly-Thought-Out Home-Based Business!
1. I’m Minding Your Halitosis Less!

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-guitarists-who-can-rock-the-three-note-solo/ Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:18:47 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=472 1. Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)
2. The Edge (U2)
3. Neil Young
4. Paul Reynolds (A Flock of Seagulls)
5. My friend, Mike

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-nice-perks-of-becoming-an-ot-vii-2/ Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:18:47 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=470 Continue reading →]]> 1. warranty automatically extended 90 days on all E-metersâ„¢
2. tone level over 20 entitles you to free iced tea refills at the Celebrity Centre©
3. Xenu personally emails your kid on her birthday
4. complimentary _Look Who’s Talking_ tote bag, _Risky Business_ satin jacket
5. double card stamps toward your next “‘Ron the Commodore’ 12-inch Hoagie” for each celebrity “girlfriend” you can contribute

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-popular-remodeling-projects-in-northern-california/ Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:10:47 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=464 1. shaving porch
2. koi barn
3. crying trellis
4. grudging fellatio pantry
5. remodeling room

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/today-cat-lady/ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:24:26 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=453 Continue reading →]]> 1. “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
1. “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
1. “My feet hurt.”
1. “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
2. “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not _that_ gee-dee precious.”

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/five-menu-items-at-silver-spoon-thai-that-could-also-be-the-name-of-an-unsuccessful-sex-worker/ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:09:33 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=452 Continue reading →]]> 1. Jasmine Rice
1. Ginger Snapper
1. Rainbow Salad
1. Volcano Prawns
1. Pumpkin Curry

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/five-terrible-fake-mitch-albom-books/ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:09:03 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=451 Continue reading →]]> 3. *Mondays with Whiskey*
2. *The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby’s*
1. *Saturday with Morrie’s Roommate…It’s…Like…Oh…You Know…Like… “Sal,” or “Sid,” or Something Kind of Jew-y*
4. *Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like*
2. *Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? –ma*

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/five-excellent-fake-names-ive-never-found-a-place-to-use/ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:08:02 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=450 Continue reading →]]> 1. Kel Domage
1. Rosco Green
1. Skip Intro
1. Fanny B. Tender
1. Romana Clay

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/five-inanimate-objects-that-frequently-seem-annoyed-with-me/ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:07:19 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=449 Continue reading →]]> 1. Nüvi GPS navigator
1. Windows Media Player
2. pineapples
3. all sports equipment
1. the Taco Bell lady

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/08/19/five-terrible-fake-jane-austen-novels/ Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:55:13 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=446 Continue reading →]]> 1. Rash and Rationality
1. Punk and Punctuality
1. Beast and Bestiality
1. Funk and Functionality
1. Fried and Credulous

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/08/19/445/ Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:54:47 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/08/19/445/ Continue reading →]]> 1. The Saltiest Joint
1. Suck the Bone
1. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
1. Bar-B-Q*bert
1. Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/08/19/five-records-i-wish-i-could-have-sung-backup-on/ Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:52:57 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=444 Continue reading →]]> 1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
1. “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
1. “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
1. _anything_ by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
1. “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/08/19/five-occupations-whose-uniform-i-think-id-enjoy-wearing/ Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:52:17 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=443 Continue reading →]]> 1. barber
1. MUNI driver
1. flight attendant
1. kung-fu master
1. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/07/19/five-things-that-should-be-issued-to-every-american-on-his-or-her-14th-birthday/ Sat, 19 Jul 2008 17:52:46 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=441 Continue reading →]]> 1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
1. _The Elements of Style_ by Strunk and White
1. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
1. _Surfer Rosa_ by Pixies
1. iPod on which to listen to _Surfer Rosa_ at painfully loud volume

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/06/09/five-unusual-top-chef-production-crew-titles/ Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:26:50 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=439

Fauxhawk Sharpener

Timpani Dramaticizer

Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer

Foam Consultant

Clog Wrangler

Continue reading →]]>

Fauxhawk Sharpener

Timpani Dramaticizer

Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer

Foam Consultant

Clog Wrangler

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/06/09/five-poetic-phrases-culled-from-joe-mcconnells-bay-area-radio-traffic-report/ Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:26:00 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=440 Continue reading →]]> 1. slow in pockets
1. jackknifed big rig
1. backed-up to the maze
1. Friday-light
1. goat on the shoulder

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/06/09/five-rejected-titles-for-the-latest-coldplay-record/ Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:24:12 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=438 Continue reading →]]> 1. _¿Perry Cómo Estás?_
1. _Que Syrah Syrah_
1. _Bicycletarse_
1. _Chili Art Carney_
1. _No Hablamos Español_

]]> http://www.5ives.com/archives/2008/04/04/five-rejected-names-for-a-single-serving-meal-product/ Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:24:48 +0000 http://www.5ives.com/?p=436 Continue reading →]]> 1. Quiet Evenings
1. Me & the Kitties
1. Lonesome Bites
1. Monomunches
1. Singles…for Life!

]]>